Category Archives: inertia

reaping inactivity

pic looking down at a leg resting on a counter. light complexion. turquoise and pink sock
Pried myself off the sunroom chair to write while standing at the counter.* This is a nice glute stretch.

Tried running again today and legs felt like lead. I ended up walking. Total distance maybe 2.5 miles if I’m rounding up.

This is a potential problem.

I have been taking a cavalier approach to training  because I have managed to complete marathons  in the past despite undertraining.

Until the pandemic, I was active without thinking about it. When I taught, I twirled around the room. When I wrote, I stood at my desk. When we had people over, I bustled around the house. And when I had to get somewhere, I walked or biked.

I have written about this before but it’s hitting hard today.  Because I was part of the “help out by staying at home” crowd, the pandemic ground my body to a halt.

Instead of sweeping around the classroom, I taught from a chair. (I sway and fidget a lot  when standing. Then sitting became a habit.). No more biking to work.  Shopping needs were basic and easily handled via delivery.

In a backwards kind of way, I think I’ve been getting a taste of what it might be like to have a car and a desk job. There is no snark or judgment in this comment. Just recognition that it’s challenging to engineer movement into our days. I never had to make time for the gym because active transportation has always helped me maintain a baseline level of fitness.

Without any places to go, I atrophied in more ways than one. It’s a bit arrogant? foolhardy?* to think I can draw from a well I’ve let dry up.

My problem isn’t training for the marathon. It’s finding reasons to stay moving throughout the day. Right now that’s much more daunting than 26.2 miles.

chart of an 18 week marathon plan showing different mileage goals
Finally settled down to pick a training program. My ego asked me to level up from novice 1. But I am not going to try for 9 miles tomorrow. Six will be a huge stretch. Yeah, maybe i need to level down…

*Re foot on counter… that might gross some folks out. Be assured, this isn’t the food prep area and the kitchen surfaces are well wiped down. (The rest of the house may fall into a chaos but I hold on to the counters.)

**re foolhardy… looked this up bc what does hardy have to do with being a fool. Looks like hardy in this sense means bold. https://www.etymonline.com/word/foolhardy

Revision Week Day 4

Well, today I ended up noodling with what I wrote yesterday. I think I am OK with that esp because of what’s going on personally. Has another upending morning. Just trying to get by.

Blargh. That is the problem. I spent a big chunk of time today in a mild panic. Frozen between the time I dropped my kid off and left to pick them up. 4 1/2 hours. Plenty of time to be “productive.” Part of the issue is that I hesitate to dive into something due to fear I will get sucked into hyper focus and fail to leave on time.

But seriously? 4 1/2 hours. Yes, we are dealing with some bigger than usual stuff but still. I need to climb out of this hole.

inert

woman lying on a radiator with a black dog standing with paws in her back both looking out a window
Best seat in the house during winter.

I am not starting off this whole countdown with much gusto. The torpor is strong. Almost to the point of defiance.

I do have some excuses explanations.

  • emotionally drained from some personal “stuff”
  • feeling uncomfortable in my body
  • inaction begeting inaction
  • it’s cold and dreary
  • perimenopause
  • dumpster fires on the world stage
  • I didn’t take my adhd rx today

I’ve been wondering if I should explore medication adjustments. Some tweaks (plus the IOP) last summer pulled me from the bottom of the barrel level of depression, but I’m kind of just limping along. More like limping in place.

I’ve always struggled with “task initiation” (ie getting off my ass to start a task). I now realize this doesn’t make me a horrible lazy person. I work my ass off once I get rolling. Plus, productivity does not determine worth anyway (such a hard mindset to maintain).

When I was diagnosed with ADHD a few years ago, a lot of my ways of moving through time and tasks started to make more sense. Adding a stimulant to my Rx mix sparked an immediate improvement in my ability to buckle in. It also helped with mood.

There’s a lot of imposter syndrome with ADHD especially lately.

OK so I started writing this midday and could barely keep my eyes open. Crashed after imposter syndrome and was totally under for 30 minutes until I heard an alarm from our neighbors upstairs that turned out to be inches from my head. I think I even drooled.

Back to adhd rx. (I’ll deal with imposter syndrome later.) Lately I’ve been wondering if I get much benefit from the medication so I decided to take a day off here and there to see if I notice anything. I forgot today was my first day off until I started writing about my inertia. Then I napped which I never do. And I was an emotional wreck this afternoon. I had fine reasons to be upset but I could have done without the jagged sobs as I biked home.

Now it’s only 1030 and all I want to do is sleep. I’ll be taking the adhd rx tomorrow for sure.