All posts by gin kilgore

137 days

At last. I’ve made it to Christmas Eve and to the end of this streak. Once again, I’m writing on the bridge between days but since it is going to be a hella busy day of travel (fingers crossed) I am going to publish now and call this a wrap.

I am so tired that I think I’m dreaming while awake.

T minus 29 hours

It’s 230 am and I have been doing some long overdue writing that’s more suited for behind the curtains. And so, on this second to last day (though it’s really night) of my 137 streak, I am taking credit for the private writing I’ve been doing in anticipation of our trip to see our teen.

Rumor is ready for me to go upstairs.

winter storm warning

The storm that was hyped all week came on time though. Only a few inches of snow are predicted but the winds will be fierce, making a mess of whatever is trying to fall. Plus negative 20 degree windchill.

Noticed a nasty rash on Rumor’s belly and a spot she has licked into a wound. But could not get through to the vet. So I dug out the cone of shame and she is not happy.

I’m feeling anxious about whether we will be able to leave town. Whether we will get packed. Whether I will do the last damn eblast.

shortest day

Hahaha I forgot I already posted for today back in the middle hours of the longest night. I’ve been sitting on my butt procrastinating on writing, doing the dishes, and walking the dog and it turns out I only need to complete two of those tasks. And, in fairness, much of my butt sitting was to write about the solstice event at Steelworkers Park tonight. Post is linked to the picture.

longest night

A back yard at night. Tree with no leaves. White lights on a wooden fence to the left. A building with orange and white horizontal stripes in the background

Well I am up past midnight so might as well notch one more blog post and also because hell yeah it is the winter solstice (or is it?) and I’m tearing up a bit with relief and even tentative joy.

I kicked off 12/21 with my traditional dive for web pages to help me understand our celestial clocks. I learn and forget, as reliably as the days expand and shrink.

Tonight’s essential question was about the solstice moment. The internet says it occurs at 3:48pm in Chicago. Why isn’t it the sunrise or sunset? Answer: It marks the moment the earth’s north pole is farthest from the sun which is why the solstice occurs at different times across the world.  I’m still not entirely satisfied with that explanation, but if I don’t think about it too deeply, it makes sense. One day I would really like to *know* this stuff vs just grasping the big ideas.

I was also curious about the longest night. Is it before or after the shortest day? Nights are harder to pin down. Do they belong to yesterday or tomorrow?

As far as I can tell, I am in the longest night right now which is almost as delicious as knowing longer days are ahead. I am as much a night owl as a sun worshipper.

frozen

I think I’m dealing with some major anxiety right now. Or is it fear?

Michael and I are working with a parenting coach. She has asked us to pay attention to our somatic responses to emotions, situations, thoughts. Basically… what are the physical sensations associated with whatever is happening in our mind.

Sometimes my shoulders tense and my jaw clenches when I’m stressed or angry. Sometimes my stomach lurches and I feel alert like a scared bunny when I’m anxious and worried. But for the most part, I’m just hanging out in my head and the physical sensation is: lump. I’ve been sitting in the back room for a few hours. First with Michael in the black chair and me in the green chair with Rumor annoyed that I was in her chair until she found a way to squeeze herself in. Now Michael is in bed, I’m in the black chair and Rumor has the green one to herself.

I have been mindlessly scrolling FB and checking the weather forecast. We are supposed to fly on Saturday and already received an email inviting us to rebook for a later date. I wonder how many folks will. I figure if you are flying over Christmas weekend, it’s likely a special trip that’s not easy to reschedule. Actually, I imagine most/many/plenty of plane trips have a strong gravitational pull towards desires for completion. Ugh not the sentence I want but it’s a decent enough placeholder for what I am thinking. Maybe that should be the title of my book.

I am just sort of frozen and I don’t know why. I could have spent the evening working on our holiday mailing. I could have should have walked the dog by now. I think I’m feeling anxious and worried but my body isn’t having sensations. It’s just not doing anything. Maybe I’m feeling a little pressure in my temple but that could also be from being close to being tired.

change continues to be hard

Met an old friend for an early dinner and talk turned to habits. Why is it so hard to do the things we want to do when there are absolutely no barriers to doing them? This includes the not doing of the behaviors we want to avoid.

It must be very frustrating to be a mental health professional. It is hard enough to get under the hood of someone’s brain but then you have to trust their driving and navigation skills when you are not around.

Maybe I just need to be OK with change sometimes being slow. That it’s better to take the dog out at 1030 than 1130 and 1130 is better than not at all.

I whipped up a mini habit tracker for this week and am frustrated by the big X’s on movement. But I’m at least trying to keep myself honest.

Ugh it’s cold out. It’s 1010 pm. Need to psych myself up for this little walk.

getting warmer

17 degrees out right now but I’m toasty (ish) in my office due the wonders of duct tape. Been feeling a breeze at my ankles these past few days. Turns out there is a gap between floor and baseboard, like if the lid on a pot of boiling water was slightly ajar except biting wind is seeping through instead of steam.

There’s only so much to be done with the walls that face outside. Because it’s a brick building, I guess there’s not enough space to blow insulation into the cavity between the exterior and room walls. We could create the space by pulling the walls into the room a bit, but that’s more of a gut rehab kind of project and we missed that boat 20 years ago.

So today I got out a dust rag and roll of tape to seal up the baseboards. I had worked on the windows yesterday (still need to put up plastic). Anything I can do to make this room bearable without running the space heater at peak capacity.

OK wow I am so tired like last but it’s only 9pm

kitchen zero

When I had the gift of a reunion with my college roommates this summer, we chuckled and mused about the different ways we have both stretched and settled into ourselves. Part of that growth includes having more names? labels? for the things we have always done.

In group living situations, I tend to contribute on the cleaning end of activities. I don’t shine at planning outings or meals, but am pretty quick to pick up a sponge. J introduced me to the phrase “kitchen zero” which is just a more compelling way to say don’t leave dishes in the dink.

(way too tired to keep writing)

counting down

I just spent an embarrassing amount of time doing finger math trying to figure out exactly how many more daily posts I “have” to post. Today will be 129. My goal is 137 which also happens to be Christmas Eve which also is Michael’s birthday and also the day we fly out to visit our kid.

I originally chose 137 as a nod to my longest Wordle steak. I began this streak on August 10th, a date that marked the beginning of a new chapter in our family’s life. I guess it’s some kind of symmetrical serendipity that it will end on a day with parallel significance. (I do not like the syntax of that sentence but oh well… it says what I want it to say. )

By some measures, the 24th is in a week. One week from today (Friday), I will be frantically finishing up packing. So that feels like I have 7 days until the 24th which means I only want to do 7 more posts. But I have to factor in today and the 24th as well, the brackets, and so the week becomes 9 days.

This is such a simple thing, but I do get thrown off. Like when you have a spreadsheet and you want to know how many rows there are in a range, let’s say “between” rows 33 and 45… the answer is not 45 minus 33. It’s 45 minus 33 plus 1, be because row 33 needs to be included.

I know this is basic math but I always have to think for a minute when dealing with ranges.

And so, inclusive of this post, I have 9 to go to reach my writing goal. And I’m getting close to saying I have 8 to go because I’m not sure I want to keep writing plus the app is acting up.

Here’s the receipt that post 129 is now in the books. Next up: Sat, Sun, Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Fri and Sat.