Yeah, that’s my new mantra. I’m very frustrated with myself. Just can’t/won’t get my act together during the work week. They is no excuse. Even if I thought it was OK to sit/stand in front of a computer 8 to 10 hours a day, there’s still plenty of time to do all the other things I want to do. I’m not even going to waste this space or my time covering this familiar territory. Do or do not. There is no try.
I will say I’m feeling a little awkward that the “meet our new staff” email that went out to 10000 people today mentioned that I am running the marathon. It made sense because my org was involved in getting the event started 50 years ago. It was also a lovely gesture of support.
But I am not running the marathon. I will be walking jogging slogging. Nothing to be proud of.
I could have asked my boss to take it out.
But what I realized today is that the training I’ve been doing this year has mostly been mental. I have been working hard to outrun my demons. (Yeah I guess we are also supposed to face our demons but that doesn’t work for this metaphor.) Either way, one of the biggest monsters I still need to slay is the one that finger wags: “you did not try hard enough.”
This summer I finally beheaded the hydra that hisses about failure in domain after domain. My weapon was logic. Failing at something is not the same as *being* a failure. Failure is not a bad thing. It is often key to growth. And, objectively (a bold word), I know that I have done plenty of things well or well enough… and that my standards are pretty high. I would never excorciate others the way I do myself.
I was feeling pretty good about felling the fear of failure beast.
Alas, it apparently it passed the baton to “You did not try hard enough.” This refers to behavior not character which, in theory, is what we are going for (see above).
Oof I have more thoughts but I’m so tired. Fitfull sleep last night. Phone is about to fall from hands.
I am too
ptrying to be done with needless self recrimination.
also a friend who is a plant expert helped me with some long overdue flora TLC… repotted a few plants, taught me about how plants don’t need to be potted up as soon as folks tend to think they need, saved my zizi (sp?) plant from root rot, and more.
Watched a webinar tonight that talked about the “core self” ie how we come into the world with our strengths and gifts and how over time we experience injuries and then accrete layers of shame, defence mechanisms, walls, and masks. There was a concentric diagram. The defense layer even looked like the top of a castle (turrets?)
On an intellectual level I had some issues with the model because it was a bit tidy and then I was laughing about that quibble seeing as I am always looking for the “one ring to bind them all.”
On an emotional level, I had to keep the tissues close and that’s all I am going to say about that.
But I am also thinking about our body’s core, where we suck heat from our extremities as needed. Our thermostat read 65 degrees this morning. I work from home. I asked Michael if his office would be turning on the heat today. He said no… but that’s because his building holds heat. I highly doubt they would leave the office at 65 degrees.
So I did crank crack up our radiators. It was wasteful. We still have ACs in some of our windows. Not all of our storms are down. I just want to make sure it was working. And so I had my first lie down on the sunroom radiator of the fall.
Michael did just take the AC out of our bedroom. Gotta love Chicago. From mid 80s to high 40s in a week.
137 is an odd number (beyond the obvious). The number 37 has a flimsy feel to it though now that I think of it, 7 and 3 both have some magic. But 37 lacks heft in my mind which is why I keep thinking of the writing streak I’m on as just a little longer than the 100 I did leading up to my bday this June.
I started this streak on August 10, to mark an important day. My Wordle winning streak had just ended after 137 days so that became my new goal. I didn’t really think about how that maps onto a calendar. Yesterday I did the math. Approx 19 1/2 weeks, 4 1/2 months, more than a full season. Started with bare feet and cicadas, will wrap up with boots and maybe snowflakes on Christmas Eve.
The earth’s rotation and orbit: how we experience time.
Clocks and calendars: how we measure and track time.
I think the moon is somewhere in between.
Today is a good one for a post about time as it is also Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, welcoming year 5783.
Back to the earth’s rotation. 137 days is longer than I thought. But it doesn’t really matter as writing every day is petty low stakes. I don’t have a goal. Don’t mind if I write about the same thing over and over or don’t have much of an audience. In some ways I’d be better served by journaling privately every day. There’s so much I don’t put here. But self censorship isn’t always bad.
It’s about 4pm and I’m huddling in a spot that the sun can still reach. Sweatshirt on, blanket in lap, tea at hand. Teeth clattering. The indoor and outdoor thermometers both read 69 degrees.
I was feeling kinda miserable and then I got distracted by researching temperature thresholds for being able to see steam (per the wisps above my mug). I learned (relearned?) that steam is invisible and that what I’m actually looking at is vapor, ie water returning to liquid form as it hits cooler air. Humidity matters and so on and that is why we have dew point. Or something like that. 5th grade science review.
I’m also thinking about how dew and vapors arehaunting words and also most likely the name of Logan Square’s next bar/dispensary. Or Vapors and Dew? I don’t see anything online yet. You heard it here first.
Now my tea is cold but since my sweatshirt and mental workout warmed me up a bit, I’m going to force myself outside for some gardening while it’s still light out. Even this ice queen can recognize a glorious autumn day.
Update. Spent an hour or getting my hands dirty. I have barely touched the garden since the tulips closed the spring show in May. Thank goodness for perennials!
It’s cold but not cold enough to put on the heat, well at least not for the building. I did turn on the space heater in my office.
I worked in my PJ bottoms. Just too cold to deal. And yes I realize 60s is not cold to most but it is to me. I just want to curl into a ball. I had a productive work day but did not leave the house, pretty much stayed in my office. I know I keep writing the same thing. It’s going to be exciting if I ever get out of these ruts of staying in ruts. I will look back and think oof I’m so glad I got past that.
So glad Michael helped me wake up this morning. Really trying to move the needle on my circadian rhythms. And I did force myself out on a little run before the work day started. Kept with walk/run alternation but bumped up a few of the run segments to half a mile.
By 8am it was already deliciously steamy. The afternoon felt like July. Sidewalks bounced back the bright sun, like washed out desert bones.But the shadows never lie. (I am struggling to pin down what I want to say so I’m just leaving this as a placeholder)
I’ve been eyeing the forecast and the curtain is coming down hard tonight, just in time for the fall equinox.
At 6:16 pm tonight, I felt the shift. The wind picked up in that particular “change is a’coming” way. Goosebumps.
Fell asleep at a decent ish time. Tossed and turned again. Hung out at my desk most of the day again. Not feeling great about how I have been moving through time and space since Sunday’s run.
Just haven’t been feeling like myself lately. Like literally. Feel like a stranger to myself. Maybe a form of disassociation? I’m not depressed in the way I have known depression before. It’s just kind of unsettling. I don’t think thinking about it helps.
Maybe it’s partly related to my new job. Great org. Great people. I know I can contribute a lot. Or rather I have useful skills and a great work ethic. But I am not sure the extent to which I can fully show up as myself. It is not that there is anything censorious about the environment. And I continue to challenge why my sense of worth and identity is so hitched to “work.” Why do I care if I can be my full self in a professional environment? So what if the skills and traits I value the most in myself are not what a job needs? I can find other ways to shine outside of work. That’s what loads of people do.
New jobs are up there in the “things that keep people up at night” stressors. Maybe part of me hasn’t honored the change because I am still working from home. I always have something on my plate so spending time in my office doing new job stuff doesn’t feel a lot different than doing other personal stuff except of course it’s not my own stuff.
I think I thought getting a job would fill something in me that I reckon I need to find a way to fill myself.
But I also don’t want to completely ignore/invalidate my desire to thrive and shine professionally, to be authentic wherever I show up. I don’t always have to be loud about it. Authenticity doesn’t mean my way or the highway, elbowing others for the floor. It doesn’t preclude back burnering personal needs, opinions, and interests for the greater good of the org. I just need to trust that I can show up as myself at work (again great org, great people) while also working to disentangle my sense of self from my work. Lots of work to do.
Hmmm maybe after this dump i will be able to sleep.
Argh another work day of minimal physical movement. I barely left my office. I am so frustrated with myself.
I know the only way I am going to consistently run on week days is if I get up earlier in the morning. My recent experiment with evening walks and runs to get steps in mostly just proved to me that I need to get a morning routine going. Felt more like a gimmic than something sustainable. Also the time change will happen soon (I am in the minority who eagerly awaits it) and mornings will be even better.
But my sleep has been so off the last few months. Can’t fall asleep. Can’t stay asleep. It’s so weird. I think I’ve had more restless nights this year than my whole life combined. I’m not counting all of my intentional all nighters. It’s one thing to choose to skimp on sleep. But until this year, whether it was 11pm or 3 am, when I decided to hit the hay, I usually conked out and stayed put.
I know so many other people have sleep struggles and I’m not super stressed about it. I’m not dragging during the day. It’s just weird and sort of annoying.
I just took a cbd gummy that’s supposed to be calming. We shall see. Writing about not sleeping probably won’t be helpful so I’m just gonna stop now. Maybe fire up some tea.
Today I hit snooze for over an hour. Did not roll out of bed until almost 9am.