Monthly Archives: October 2022

unmoored (again?)

I’ve probably used this title before. Maybe more than once.

I want to say I’m feeling nothing but that can’t be true given how much I am crying. But it feels kind of like a dead crying. Not dead. That’s too dramatic. Like some kind of sap or oozing of an old tree and I don’t know if it’s a sign of life or disease.

feeling existential and I don’t even really know what that means

Oh boy I am full of the feels tonight. I’m gonna hit publish so I get credit for my streak and then I am going to keep writing.

OK I am back. So, this is one of those WTF life posts where I flounder with words and phrases that I think resonate because I’m not sure I’d pass a paper if I wrote about them. It’s not that the concepts they represent elude me. It’s more basic than that, like not remembering someone’s name. Like, for some reason these feelings I’m having right now remind me of the word/concept existentialism but I dunno. I never did read that beautiful set of Keirgagard I pinched from my dad’s library.

Man oh man. Wtf does that phrase even mean? I think of a weary egads but I don’t even know what egads means. I think it might be one of those words where the meaning is baked in. Like could egads mean anything besides egads? I’m sure the internet has the answer. But I’m not going down that rabbit hole

Here’s the trite thing. What is a life?

Uh no. The things I want to say are not supposed to be said because damn they require fine thread and a steady hand with the needle.

I don’t follow pop culture which I don’t say with pride. I’ve just had my head up my butt. But I heard on the radio today about how Taylor Swift received backlash on a video where she stepped on a scale that read Fat. And her intent was to show how effed up body image can be (no matter how I look I will always think I’m fat) but other folks were like WTF what kind of message is that when 1) you are not “overweight” so are you saying people who don’t match your body are fat? and 2) we are trying to destigmitze being “overweight” whatever that means, so eff you for making that a negative thing.

And, not knowing anything about this moment, I’ll hesitantly say I feel a wee bad for Swift bc I imagine she was trying to highlight how horrible we are with body image but she didn’t thread the needle (and this is where I wonder where her advisors were… with great fame comes great responsibility).

And there’s a part of me that does not want to thread a needle. That says my eyes are faltering and my hands are a bit shaky and why is this needle head so damn snall?

And I’m now kind of laughing wondering how many folks know the ideom let alone have experience trying to thread a needle. I can say that as my brain has become more needle threading my eyes and hands have become less deft.

I’m sure there’s a name for that. Not a philosophy. Just a phenom.

I started tonight’s writing in a pique of quiet non combative rage. I am not sure I even know what pique means. I’ve rarely heard it outside of the bracket: “of rage. “

I wonder what a life is. What we dare to hope for. What is acceptable to grieve and gnash teeth about.

I wonder how I can even wring my hands and rend my hair when I am not hungry or cold. My basic needs are being met

But the phrase “yes, and” exists for a reason. And right now my belly is full and I am feeling pain, rage, and confusion even as I express gratitude for not being cold and hungry.

trees and brick wall

OK instead of just repeating that this is a hard time but not being to write about it maybe I will post pictures for the next few days and if writing comes that’s fine and if not it’s at least something.

I’ve never felt so frozen or like I’m walking through jello. Our family is at a juncture in more than one way. Any path we take is going to be painful and difficult.

Right now, at this very moment, there’s not much I can do to help us with these decisions. I mean I guess I can keep writing about them and doing research and feeling my emotions but, for this beautiful summer in fall afternoon, I just want to set that weight down. Yes things are tough *and* I can move through the next few hours doing other stuff that matters, that might even bring a smile, such as taking pictures from my porch.