a nope day

Fell asleep at a decent ish time. Tossed and turned again. Hung out at my desk most of the day again. Not feeling great about how I have been moving through time and space since Sunday’s run.

Just haven’t been feeling like myself lately. Like literally. Feel like a stranger to myself. Maybe a form of disassociation? I’m not depressed in the way I have known depression before. It’s just kind of unsettling. I don’t think thinking about it helps.

Maybe it’s partly related to my new job. Great org. Great people. I know I can contribute a lot. Or rather I have useful skills and a great work ethic. But I am not sure the extent to which I can fully show up as myself. It is not that there is anything censorious about the environment. And I continue to challenge why my sense of worth and identity is so hitched to “work.” Why do I care if I can be my full self in a professional environment? So what if the skills and traits I value the most in myself are not what a job needs? I can find other ways to shine outside of work. That’s what loads of people do.

New jobs are up there in the “things that keep people up at night” stressors. Maybe part of me hasn’t honored the change because I am still working from home. I always have something on my plate so spending time in my office doing new job stuff doesn’t feel a lot different than doing other personal stuff except of course it’s not my own stuff.

I think I thought getting a job would fill something in me that I reckon I need to find a way to fill myself.

But I also don’t want to completely ignore/invalidate my desire to thrive and shine professionally, to be authentic wherever I show up. I don’t always have to be loud about it. Authenticity doesn’t mean my way or the highway, elbowing others for the floor. It doesn’t preclude back burnering personal needs, opinions, and interests for the greater good of the org. I just need to trust that I can show up as myself at work (again great org, great people) while also working to disentangle my sense of self from my work. Lots of work to do.

Hmmm maybe after this dump i will be able to sleep.

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