Monthly Archives: July 2022

that’s a wrap

I’m not going to keep with the daily posts. Too much is going on right now.  I am really happy I did the 100 day writing streak leading up to my birthday. Maybe I’ll make something out of all those posts one day. If nothing else, they helped me process some big stuff that needed processing.

But I’ve got other big stuff going on.

nope 072422

It was cold morning and I was tired so did not bike to the lake and then I got busy so did not run even though I’m sure I could have made it happen.

But I also didn’t sit on my butt all day. Example. Had a 90 min zoom meeting and stood for most of it. My desk is positioned for standing but I have a tall chair for breaks. Standing when I write is easy enough but when on a video call I tend to sit because I sway and fidget more when standing.

Gonna just hit publish so I don’t accidentally let writing keep me up

driving

This tool a different turn than I meant but I don’t want to keep poking since i do want to get up early enough to swim.

Dropped our teen at camp in Michigan today. This involved about 7 hours of driving of which I did about 30 harrowing (for me) minutes. Two lane, high speed, winding, hilly rural roads* are almost as terrifying as highway driving, maybe moreso in a way because people can pass me on the highway. If I’m tentative on a narrow, no passing road, then I’m irking the people behind me. Even if I’m doing the speed limit, I start getting a little stressed when a car enters the rear window line of sight….which means it’s still pretty far away but I know enough math and common sense to know they will be up my butt soon. Maybe we need to bring a “student driver” sign for whenever I take the wheel so folks will give a wide berth. I don’t like being in people’s way if I can help it, just as I appreciate people yielding to me when I am biking or running as appropriate. But I don’t want to get into vulnerability/speed/right of way matrices right now.

What I meant to write about is that I’m not giving my self a hard time for being inactive today but I do want to hop on the 7am bike to the lake train with my friends. I tossed and turned most of last night so I got everything prepped up for tomorrow in the hopes that I can just wake up and go.

* These roads actually had gentle turns and barely discernable elevation changes. The issue is that I am not a driver. Have never owned a car. Lack of experience has been self reinforceing. I’d rather merge into a highway on a bicycle than on a car.( I know this from experience.) My foot barely reaches the gas pedal and my eyes are barely above the steering wheel. OK that last one is an exaggeration, but I do often have to sit up very straight to see what’s cresting a hill towards me. Being directionally challenged does not help. But being scared about driving is one thing I refuse to be ashamed of.

11 weeks

just some navel gazing

I am going to keep writing about HAT (health and training) even if there’s not much to report. Need to honor that the brain and heart contribute to performance, for better and worse. Some people are fired up  by personal challenges, at least according to movies and cover stories. For me, right now, they act as gravitational forces. I can walk but can’t seem to run. But I did scratch out almost 7 miles on my feet on a day that turned hot and sunny so that’s OK enough for now.

I started by walking the dog, dropping her back at home and walking to the west end of the Bloomingdale Trail. Then I ambled east and took the north avenue bus home.

The marathon is not a high stakes situation. If I don’t finish, my world will not collapse. 

As far as I can tell, I am doing OK on the physical health front, certainly a little better than this winter. Have lost a smidge of weight. Deep breathing is more accessible, maybe due to a combination of awareness and running. Drinking a ton of water. Not drinking a ton of wine.Got a clear mammogram last month. I am way overdue for a derm check which makes me a little anxious, but at least I have the referral.

Mood and mental health aren’t awesome but I am managing and still holding the line on Project INAF (I’m not a failure). As I push past 80 days since my last cycle, I may be stuck in PMS limbo. Hormonal chin acne has been raging and my anxiety has me picking but at least I can laugh or roll my eyes about it.

Still playing a lot of word games. Gnawing on Spelling Bee is upping my Scrabble skills. Prevailed over Michael tonight but I also had good luck with letters. I hope this counts towards brain health. It certainly helps pass the time.

close up of scrabble tiles in the holder (?)

I blank blank UFOR
First pull. I am always daunted by blanks. But on my 2nd turn I was able to put down worthier for the bonus 50.

And there are still 11 weeks until the marathon, though three months sounds better.

Oof tomorrow we will be in a car for 8 hours at the least dropping kiddo off at camp. Michael is getting up early to run. I’m not at that level of discipline yet. I’ll be feeling pleased if I manage to take a shower. I’m still sticky from today’s outing.

hail storm

Close up of the floor of a wood deck with a piece of hail in the space between two floorboards. The hail looks like a marble, with a white core and clear outer layer.
Back porch hail

Shelter is a lovely word that, to me, evokes its meaning. Even though not related by etymology (according to a cursory internet search), shell is an apropos first syllable. When capitalized, the visual of Sh is welcoming but safe. Like the S is waving us in and the h is the door. The sounds of l,t, and r are soothing. I can almost hear: Shall we have some tea?

I was thinking about shelter a few mins ago because just as I sidled up to my desk to write, I heard something hit our window and then the pelting began and the dog started spinning around in fear.

Hail is exciting until it starts destroying tomato plants, roofs, and cars. I remember one storm 10 ish years ago that caused (or justified) a jump in homeowner’s insurance premiums across the neighborhood the following year even for folks like us who had not needed to file a claim.* Tonight’s burst lasted just long enough for me to grab my camera and get dinged on the head a few times. Then we were teased with a few minutes of thunder and hard rain. We really could use a drenching. But the show moved east quickly and we’re just left with some humidity. (morning update: wow we did get the drenching and quite a light storm!)

I am so grateful for our home and never take it for granted. These old walls might not have insulation, but the bricks keep the wolves at bay. (morning update: though one of our bedroom windows is leaking from above–yikes)

Today was another day of limited physical activity but I have been standing at my desk a bit more and did go on a symbolic run tonight. Only two miles. Included walking. It was wonderfully hot and I was distracted by an audio drama. I really should stick with music if I want to pick my knees up.

It’s weird, I have been trying to tune into my emotions and I am picking up amorphous fear about running and exercise in general. I am not injured. Not worried about being injured. Maybe I am afraid I am not going to manage the marathon after all? In fairness, I have been anxious about a lot of things lately. Well, I will try again tomorrow. (morning update: OK it’s cool out–ideal running conditions though it hurts my heat loving heart. I am leaving all final prep for kiddo’s two weeks of sleepaway camp to my kiddo–as is appropriate for a 15 year old–with Michael help as back up. No excuses!!! Oh. new update. Radio says severe storm update. Maybe treadmill time.)

* I know that’s the point of insurance but I was like “really? it was that bad?” and the agent was like “oh yeah, a LOT of claims.” Still, I dunno. . . it seemed a little fishy. Maybe she was pulling my leg but I got the last laugh b/c we switched companies. And, I am standing by my use of like. And I can’t believe I just wrote about insurance.

nope 072122

Oof. Not good at all on the HAT (health and training) front. Was going to run this evening but didn’t eat much during the day and then ended up in a bit of a meeting marathon (all good stuff) but by 630 I was so loopy that all I could think about was food.

Michael made a kale salad, we ordered pizza, and watched the Jan 6 hearing which left me heavy hearted in a few  ways. That it happened. That the ever increasing pile of facts and testimony will not budge the minds that don’t want to be budged. * That so much time is going into these hearings, feeding a narrative that dems and “turncoat” Republicans are so obsessed with trump that they aren’t doing their jobs. That Republicans who decried Trump’s action/ inaction have now crawled back into his shadow. That for all his blustering buffoonary (which was on full display during clips tonight) Trump managed to stack the SCOTUS which means my kid’s generation is seeing rights and protections stripped away.

Hmm i didn’t intend to go on and on but maybe this is a tiny nod to history. And I’m glad we watched and bore witness. And saw Josh Hawley scampering for safety not long after raising a fist of solidarity to the soon to be rioters.

Back to personal front. I have not put on running shoes in a week. I’m just gonna keep on fessing up. Not berating. Try again tomorrow.

*now thinking about the dif between nudge and budge and now I’m thinking about how I’m rather fond of words with dge.

nope 072022

Just gonna keep telling the truth. Did not make progress towards physical health/running performance goals today.

Did finally announce that I have taken a new job: Deputy Director at Friends of the Parks. Part time for now, moving to full in fall. Put in some hours today.

We also had a plumbing situation. Clogged sink line. Ewww. Last night I was startled by slimy burbling from our kitchen sink. Found dampness in the basement. Told 3rd floor tenants to hold off on doing any dishes. Gave our kid a pass on loading the dishwasher thinking we would need to move operations to the bathroom.

Thankfully, our long time plumbing company came out today. Highly recommend Lincoln Sewerage. Family owned. Same person has been working our pipes for at least 15 years. I remember him talking about coaching his kid’s teems. Today his son was on the job with him. So was his 80 year old dad.

Took care of other important things. But! I could have made time to run or walk or do yoga or anything. I wasn’t wall to wall minute to minute occupied.

Try again tomorrow.

nope 071922

Barely any physical activity. Not horrible on the food front though I should drink some water.

Just trying to stay out of the riptides and undertows.

Going to get stuff together to bike to the lake with friends tomorrow morning.

Here’s a cute picture of rumor

black dog at bottom of steps holding a stuffed toy hedgehog bigger than her head
She grabs Hedgie when she’s ready for us to go to bed.

did some of the things

Ok so I have decided to not willfully give up this writing or the marathon. Today I did less than zilch on the health and training front. Didn’t even leave the house except for dinner and Scrabble on the back porch and going to the basement to feed the cats and grab some wine.

I did do some overdue bathing and put on a running bra and shorts so I am going to wear them to sleep and hope for the best tomorrow.

I also did many of the other things that needed doing. I even kinda sort of heeded a time boundary for working on the NYT Spelling Bee.*

*Shaking my fist at my friends who suggested I add it to my word game suite. It hits so many notes for me. Performance measures. Slow pace. Crowdsourcing.

one day more

OK so I have been debating whether to keep going with this writing streak. Many posts have been meh, obligatory , pushing the peas around the plate . I was also  thinking about throwing in the towel for the marathon. Cover the 2000 fundraising requirement and chalk it up to unexpected expenses. Sometimes things break down.

Right now I am in a much more important race close to home. I don’t know if it’s a sprint, a marathon, or a  relay. Maybe I’m supposed to be swimming instead of running. Maybe I’m barreling in the wrong damn direction.

I think of all the people who manage to do so much. Who have challenges but still manage to eke out space to do what needs to be done and what wants to be done. Of course we can’t have it all. This isn’t one of my laments about real and perceived productivity. OK maybe it’s a close cousin but this is more about setting boundaries…not with people but time and bandwidth.

Time is one of our most precious resources.

speaking of time I am going to hit publish now do i don’t lose my steak tonight at least

OK back to business. We move through time in different ways. There’s how we show up in spaces and other people’s lives and how we show up for ourselves.

argh I can picture what I want to say but can’t figure it out.

like sometimes moving through time feels like trying to rub my belly and pat my head simultaneously.

what does it matter? what am I trying to do here? I am not even boosting these posts (though I think I’ll share this one with a few friends so if you are reading… thank you).

I think I want to keep this writing streak going because it’s a thread connecting tumultuous days. I don’t need to share details . Maybe it’s like that catching a breath moment when swimming.

And in a weird way, even when I am moving peas around the plate, it’s a space I’m claiming as my own.

I am also not ready to give up on the marathon because I know I can walk it if I need to and I have three months to fundraise.

For now I need to be OK with one day at a time. One day more.