productive avoidance

tread mill read out of workout. 1:44 minutes, 6.58 miles
what a slog! alternated walking and running to meet the goal of 6 to 7 miles

Was having a bit of a hard time today. Slept poorly which is thankfully not the norm and then slept through my alarm which means I missed connecting with my running friend which ugh…. it’s one thing to bail before you are supposed to meet but to simply not show up? I don’t want to be like that although of course it was fine and if the shoe was reversed I wouldn’t be upset either. We get to make mistakes.

Actually, now that I am again  starting to make morning exercise plans with folks, I should remind them not to wait for me unless I text  (and even then not for more than a few mins) . Because if I don’t text that means I am asleep and am not coming. Rare but it happens given my strong owl tendencies. When you haul your ass out of bed at 6am to meet up for a run before work, I don’t want you to wait for me.

I guess it’s a matter of norms, self awareness, courtesy, and deciding how much wiggle room is OK depending on the situation. I am much more of a hard ass on myself than I am on others.

Anyhoo blah blah I started the day with self flaggelation (sp?) but then reminded myself that I quit doing that (may 31 I think) so I dialed it down to grumbling.

But I had a choice. Do the 6 to 7 mile interval run or bail/downgrade the plan?

It was a beautiful day. No excuses. But I wasn’t feeling it. Literally and figuratively. Coughing, sneezing. Took another Covid test. Negative. (I am 9 days out from close contact exposure….10 is CDC’s magic number so  fingers crossed)

Took a bit of a lie down with Rumor. Thoughts racing. Feeling down. Rifled through the coping skills. Seriously it’s cheesy but whatever, I am going to use this hard earned quiver.

my self worth is not defined by my productivity. what if it’s OK to just  pet my dog? I am not a bad person because my husband is the primary bread earner right now and I am flopped here with the dog while he is working instead of doing all the things I could /should be doing. what if all I ever did was sit here and pet the dog? does that make me a terrible person? *

OK. I  am experiencing some anxiety. ah OK I am mad about not running and I also know I need to make a bunch of health care type appointments. ugh making phone calls. OK you can take 20 mins to chill and ground and then get up and make those appointments.

Grounding is one of my fave calm down strategies. I usually start with senses. what can I see, hear, feel etc. My eyes were closed so I focused on hearing. was surprised by all the bird songs at 2pm. I could hear traffic and Rumor breathing. But my mind was still racing and fighting itself. On to the alphabet. Think of a category and list items by letter. But since this is a standby it can be hard to keep it fresh. I speed though the basics (apples, bananas, cheese) which doesn’t end up slowing my brain down. Today I tried to be more more creative. Acorns. Brie. By charcuterie I was like OK that’s enough I am good let’s do something and since I am still moping about running it’s time to schedule my mammogram which is part of why I am feeling anxious to begin with.

I stood up, swung my sword, and made a bunch of appts for me and my kid. I even called insurance for our annual coordination of benefits. nothing like getting a letter from a provider to say hey your insurance isn’t paying because they need to be assured that you don’t have other insurance that should be billed instead and I am like we have no other insurance. my poor husband is “trapped” in his job for the insurance**

So yay I did the things but kinda bc I was avoiding running.

and so I am really proud of myself because at 430ish this afternoon I dragged my butt up to the treadmill*** and fired up the we fix space junk podcast and willed myself to put in 6.5ish miles. it was an interval day which is supposed to mean run mellow and run fast but I alternated walking and running after starting off with a mile of brisk walking. 25 miles at 18-20 mm and 10-10:30mm.

It took a long time. I am doing a 10k in a few weeks and I really don’t want to spend almost 2 hours on the course. that’s my half marathon goal. but this is where I am for now.

*I recognize my extraordinary fortune that allows me to do these thought exercises.

**Michael loves the org he works in and it’s aligned to our values but it’s also very stressful and why don’t we have universal health care so people can feel like they have some breathing room???

***it was beautiful out but I was feeling a major pull to stay close to home

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