scope change

Well I’m just about four weeks away from the big 50 and a scope change is in order. What I hoped to accomplish in the 100 day run up to June 11:

  • Make sense of and heal from the past
  • Forgive myself for not living up to my “potential”
  • Figure out how to manage myself and my time more “productively” so maybe one day I won’t feel like such a failure
  • Figure out what my next career steps should be
  • Review and practice lessons/skills related to mental health and self-esteem so they become 2nd nature (such as recognizing that the two items above are examples of cognitive distortions: all or nothing thinking and catastrophizing)
  • Which means doing work around radical acceptance and self compassion, grrrr. Still a tough sell but it’s not just important for me. I want to model it for my kid.
  • Declutter, organize, and spruce up our building, including a 1450 square foot basement that was full of stuff when we moved in and now has 20 years of extra sediment.*
  • Lose 20 pounds.
  • Be able to do 20 push-ups
  • Run a half marathon in under two hours.
  • Write every day.

I could go on and on. The yearning list never ends.

So… 70 days in. Status report. Daily writing? Check. I’ve actually made some progress on processing and self forgiveness. I’ve had ample opportunities to practice coping skills, but it’s hit and miss. Everything else? Nope. House is a mess. Body is a mess. I feel more lost than ever in terms of a sense of purpose.

I know all this stuff takes time. And I am also a mom, which is my most important job right now. Just wish my batting average didn’t feel so low.

I sort of want to throw my hands up and give up on myself but that’s not good for me or anyone else, at least not my family.

So, what am I aiming for in the next 4 weeks? Maybe nothing but to keep writing and at least try for a sub 30 5k on my bday. And to keep my chin up even when it’s quivering. These are hard days and I am doing the best I can with who I am and if that’s not good enough then I have to forgive myself for that.

*somewhere between Marie Kondo and Swedish Death Cleaning. I want to feel like we could pack up and move within a few weeks. Not that I want to move. As much as I belly ache about Chicago’s weather and the sun blocking new construction next door, I love our home.

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