halfway through

So according to my countdown widget, I’m 50 days away from my 50th bday and 51 days since I started this project which was going to be all about healing and changing and nailing the landing at the end of my private half century and yeah, nope, I feel as, if not more, demoralized as I did in late February.

Boo Hoo.

OK. Enough boo hooing.

close up of a woman with light completion wearing large red headphones
About as authentic as I get. Listening to the Cubs lose on noise canceling headphones with a built in am/fm radio wearing a sweatshirt I’ve had for 20 years (no longer covers my belly eek)

Let’s see. I’m walking more. Sure it’s out of necessity but commuting is how I used to get a lot of passive activity.

I am working hard to be the best parent I can be.

I am paying the bills (well Michael pays the bills because he is currently the only breadwinner but I take care of logistics which is an accomplishment seeing as my mom once had to help me tackle 4 months of unopened mail. Yeah that was the year i also didn’t take the garbage to the alley for, er, weeks. it was stacked up in the pantry. it was winter. I lived alone so didn’t produce a ton of garbage but I also didn’t compost, so … not good. Depression? Adhd? Being a young adult? But it was also a magical time and I hosted killer parties where we planned the bicycle revolution so no shame.)

So yeah, I’m keeping the hearth fires from going out (although for the first time ever we did not submit our taxes on time nor did we send a payment and we owe big time so I need to remember to throw a check in the mail but, well, the problem there is mail…. sending mail is even worse than opening it. The only reason I’m on top of bills is that I do almost everything online. The last time I saw our stamps, I was drying them out on the radiator because my wallet was tea-drenched due to not having tightened the lid on my travel mug.)

So yeah I’m demoralized because I’m still me but that’s also kind of BS bc I know I’m not all that awful.

What’s the worst that can happen between now and June 11? Um. A LOT. Me staying me is not one of them and there’s no need to tempt fates.

close up of a plant with green sliver leaves close to the ground and a small purple flower
This sweet thing popped out today. First warm and sunny day in a too long while.

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