Putting Christmas Away (plus anger)

Winter rarely leaves without a fight so I shouldn’t be surprised but 20’s in late March? Low blow!

large boxes, one overflowing, full of Christmas ornaments at bottom of stairs in a building's foyer.

While it’s unlikely that my housekeeping has any effect on the weather (besides being a consumer who contributes to climate change), I decided to put away the Christmas decorations just in case. Maybe they were serving as a temperature tether. They have been down for awhile, but hadn’t quite migrated to the basement (glacial movement strikes again).

I’ve always felt curious and tender when passing homes with remnants of holidays that have long past.

From late September to early December, I am all about the Halloween to winter solstice decorating continuum. Knowing my tendency to be glacial about putting things away. . .

OK. so I started writing this afternoon and then some life happened and I would like to keep writing but I am so angry right now. Like top 1% of my anger odometer.

Sequence of my thoughts

  • I want to punch a wall (I already accidentally broke the meat thermometer while rage cleaning it.)
  • Of course, I am not going to punch a wall
  • Deep breath. I am not my emotions.
  • And it’s also OK to feel this way
  • What does anger feel like to other people?
  • How do my anger levels and management compare to others?
  • I wonder why more people don’t lose control of thelr anger. I think we could do a better job of complimenting people when they keep their cool. 0h goodness I just had an image of potty training. It’s all about the positive reinforcement of dropping the load where it belongs.
  • Why does anger sometimes want to manifest in such physical ways? I know I can ask the internet, heck go through my own files, but I’m going to sit with my own curiosity for a moment.
  • How much of my anger management is actually maladaptive supression?
  • Maladaptive or not, I think I do a decent job of not losing control. I really try not to blow up at people, esp my kid.
  • Then again, blowing up can take many forms. It can be a loud explosion or silent poison gas. It can be scatter shot bluster or a few sharp cuts. It can be flying fists or a jaw clenched under dagger eyes. Aggressive aggressive or passive aggressive. Just because I’m not a yeller doesn’t mean I don’t make my feelings known.
  • What’s so bad about anger anyway? Ideally it would be a signal. Hey, something is not right. Time to problem solve! But of course that’s not always easy. My anger often stems from feelings of real and perceived helplessness, uncertainty, and cowardice.
  • I guess anger is like fire. It can illuminate and it can burn. I want to use my anger to problem solve, not hurt.

Well. Tonight I didn’t punch a wall or lash out at my kid. After I reminded myself that I am not my emotions, I started to calm myself by counting objects hanging on the kitchen wall. Then I wrote.

I am still having feelings of anger, but I’m in charge of them.

Hmmm. I should bring this back to the beginning. Maybe I needed this day to remind me to keep my cool and manage my stuff?

close up of a plant with one deep pink bloom. a little snow is on leaves
Hellabores do a great job holding up to snow.

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