mind and body

black dog with a stuffed hedgehog staring into the camera

content warning: body image, depression

So tired and I still need to load the dishwasher and feed the cats. I can tell Rumor is also ready for bed because she is carrying around her big hedgehog.

I have been giving myself some grace because my child has been out of school a lot, including the last almost  two weeks. I have barely left the house or done much of anything besides doing the things that need doing for our kid. But those doings don’t take all day. I still could have been exercising, building my business, and putting away the Christmas decorations. It’s past the equinox!

Instead, my watch keeps reminding me I have been sitting for over an hour. I have apparently taken fewer than 2000 steps all day. The jeans that were just starting to fit again after a 5 month break from drinking are now riding below my belly. They will be returned to storage if I don’t start taking better care of myself.

As with so many folks, my physical  health concerns are intertwined with body image. I try to cultivate neutral feelings about appearance, but still cringe at photos.

Yesterday, I reminded myself that I am not my emotions. Today I need to remind myself that I am not defined by my productivity or pant size.

But I also don’t want to be reckless about my physical  health. Sitting is the new smoking. Aging bones require resistance.  I want my cholesterol to slide back into no flag territory. I  want to be strong and dexterous enough to scoop up my taller than me teen  in case of an emergency.

I have to remind myself that I have been in mental health survival mode.  Last summer I was so stubbornly and severely  depressed that my psychiatrist floated electroshock therapy.  While I think today’s ECT is mellower (that’s probably not the word) than days of yore, the prospect still spooked me.

Thanks to the IOP and medication tweaks, I am doing…. OK. Not great but it’s way better than the thin ice I was sliding on.  This is good given current challenges.

Maybe  the mental health persistence and strength I’ve been working so hard on will eventually transfer to other areas. If I can keep pushing myself to face each day,  shouldn’t I be able to face the floor and do some push-ups?

eta on 3/23. ugh it’s always awkward to write about this stuff considering all the suffering around the world. I have a rooof over my head, food at my fingertips, clean water, health care, free speech…. I don’t take anything for granted. And I also don’t share all the home front challenges out of respect for family privacy.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s