content warning: body image, depression
So tired and I still need to load the dishwasher and feed the cats. I can tell Rumor is also ready for bed because she is carrying around her big hedgehog.
I have been giving myself some grace because my child has been out of school a lot, including the last almost two weeks. I have barely left the house or done much of anything besides doing the things that need doing for our kid. But those doings don’t take all day. I still could have been exercising, building my business, and putting away the Christmas decorations. It’s past the equinox!
Instead, my watch keeps reminding me I have been sitting for over an hour. I have apparently taken fewer than 2000 steps all day. The jeans that were just starting to fit again after a 5 month break from drinking are now riding below my belly. They will be returned to storage if I don’t start taking better care of myself.
As with so many folks, my physical health concerns are intertwined with body image. I try to cultivate neutral feelings about appearance, but still cringe at photos.
Yesterday, I reminded myself that I am not my emotions. Today I need to remind myself that I am not defined by my productivity or pant size.
But I also don’t want to be reckless about my physical health. Sitting is the new smoking. Aging bones require resistance. I want my cholesterol to slide back into no flag territory. I want to be strong and dexterous enough to scoop up my taller than me teen in case of an emergency.
I have to remind myself that I have been in mental health survival mode. Last summer I was so stubbornly and severely depressed that my psychiatrist floated electroshock therapy. While I think today’s ECT is mellower (that’s probably not the word) than days of yore, the prospect still spooked me.
Thanks to the IOP and medication tweaks, I am doing…. OK. Not great but it’s way better than the thin ice I was sliding on. This is good given current challenges.
Maybe the mental health persistence and strength I’ve been working so hard on will eventually transfer to other areas. If I can keep pushing myself to face each day, shouldn’t I be able to face the floor and do some push-ups?
eta on 3/23. ugh it’s always awkward to write about this stuff considering all the suffering around the world. I have a rooof over my head, food at my fingertips, clean water, health care, free speech…. I don’t take anything for granted. And I also don’t share all the home front challenges out of respect for family privacy.