inert

woman lying on a radiator with a black dog standing with paws in her back both looking out a window
Best seat in the house during winter.

I am not starting off this whole countdown with much gusto. The torpor is strong. Almost to the point of defiance.

I do have some excuses explanations.

  • emotionally drained from some personal “stuff”
  • feeling uncomfortable in my body
  • inaction begeting inaction
  • it’s cold and dreary
  • perimenopause
  • dumpster fires on the world stage
  • I didn’t take my adhd rx today

I’ve been wondering if I should explore medication adjustments. Some tweaks (plus the IOP) last summer pulled me from the bottom of the barrel level of depression, but I’m kind of just limping along. More like limping in place.

I’ve always struggled with “task initiation” (ie getting off my ass to start a task). I now realize this doesn’t make me a horrible lazy person. I work my ass off once I get rolling. Plus, productivity does not determine worth anyway (such a hard mindset to maintain).

When I was diagnosed with ADHD a few years ago, a lot of my ways of moving through time and tasks started to make more sense. Adding a stimulant to my Rx mix sparked an immediate improvement in my ability to buckle in. It also helped with mood.

There’s a lot of imposter syndrome with ADHD especially lately.

OK so I started writing this midday and could barely keep my eyes open. Crashed after imposter syndrome and was totally under for 30 minutes until I heard an alarm from our neighbors upstairs that turned out to be inches from my head. I think I even drooled.

Back to adhd rx. (I’ll deal with imposter syndrome later.) Lately I’ve been wondering if I get much benefit from the medication so I decided to take a day off here and there to see if I notice anything. I forgot today was my first day off until I started writing about my inertia. Then I napped which I never do. And I was an emotional wreck this afternoon. I had fine reasons to be upset but I could have done without the jagged sobs as I biked home.

Now it’s only 1030 and all I want to do is sleep. I’ll be taking the adhd rx tomorrow for sure.

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